{"id":328,"date":"2006-06-23T03:24:57","date_gmt":"2006-06-23T03:24:57","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jeffwerner.ca\/wp\/?p=328"},"modified":"2013-03-07T18:01:25","modified_gmt":"2013-03-08T02:01:25","slug":"rcmp_alarm","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jeffwerner.ca\/testa\/rcmp_alarm\/","title":{"rendered":"RCMP Alarm"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"rcmp.jpg\"
\nI wake up around noon or one o’clock these days so answering the phone in bed isn’t unusual. I mean, the world works away while I’m resting off the grid, right, so it comes with the territory, these interruptions.
\nSo during a recent 8:30am the ringer’s brrrringing and the call display is glowing a 604 prefix, which is Vancouver, which could be any number of clients or friends so I better answer it.
\n\u201cHello, this is the Victoria RCMP.\u201d I am now awake. For those dropping in outside the continent RCMP = Canada’s federal police force. And this is great! An adventure! From the city I no longer live in. Something exciting this summer! Something to write about. Maybe I’m going to jail! Actually, here’s my thought process, broken down during the 1\/8 second pause in the officer’s introduction:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. The Brother is in trouble;<\/li>\n
  2. My past has caught up with me;<\/li>\n
  3. Oh man, what did I do in the past that has caught up?<\/li>\n
  4. Oh god not that;<\/li>\n
  5. This is going to be exciting.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    But the officer says, without prompting, that I’m in no way in any trouble. Man it must be kind of depressing being a cop: everyone’s first reaction is a guilty one. So he immediately reassures me that he just wants to ask some questions…about my former roommate _______ ________. Oh man, haven’t heard that guy’s name in a while.
    \nNew thoughts:<\/p>\n

      \n
    1. Former Roommate is a criminal!<\/li>\n
    2. Former Roommate is a suspected criminal!<\/li>\n
    3. Former Roommate is dead!<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      Nope again: Former Roommate is applying to be an RCMP officer and they’re simply doing a background check. Still pretty cool, though. Two of my favourite things: my opinions on others and answering questionnaires.
      \nI lived with this guy for four months, the officer reminds me, in 2000. Of course Former Roommate has no idea how to find me anymore, I assume, because this officer explains how he’s had quite the time tracking me down: he got another Former Roommate’s number who gave them another Former Roommate’s number, etc. etc. until finally getting my unlisted number.
      \nAll this time, at 8:30 in the hurtful morning, I’ve yet to produce a more comprehensible English word than “muh” because an unexpected interruption at this hour means my tongue is still stuck to the roof of my mouth and the salivary glands are more asleep than I am.
      \nI manage to unstick and croak like a degenerate alcoholic smoker something along the lines of “Oh man, been a while since I talked to those guys,” trying to establish a casual tone and letting the officer know I am cool with this phone call and have nothing to hide. No guilt. No lies. And RCMP officer he agrees with my statement and passes on that: ya, these Former Roommates said the same thing and mentioned I should catch up with them.
      \nIt’s like an episode of This Is Your Life. Remember the Sesame Street parody of that game show, where you guess at voices from your past? RCMP match makers.
      \nAnyhoo my “interview” gets rolling and involving, asking me questions about the four summer months I spent with Former Roommate back at the turn of the century. Basically asking what I thought of his character.
      \nHa. The things I could tell them. Well actually you know I sort of liked Former Roommate despite evidence to the contrary. So I pretty much told the truth and gave a good review.
      \nSome questions they asked:<\/p>\n